I sing this song for you...

I don't play this side of the game very often. I would wonder what would be going through the person's head when they crushed me so easily. I don't know if they felt like this...but I feel terrible. Even though I tried to be as gentle, kind, caring, and most importantly honest as possible, I feel terrible. But I must look at it in the best way possible, better to do it now then to be a coward and pretend like nothing is wrong. I'm sure this is not comforting for her...but it's the truth. Life can be really weird and stupid sometimes. Most times I think it all makes alot of sense, and others it's just a ball of confusing wtf that is constantly being dumped on me.
Yea I"m getting alot of that lately. But I feel some strength in being single. I used to think of it as this huge flaw that I should be embarressed about but fuck that I don't give a shit. I feel good being strong for other friends, and I'm trying to be there for them. I'm trying to give up my more selfish ways and give more. So ask me for something ya just might get it now.
More and more things keep happening that proves to me that anything can happen, life is full of surprises just when you think you have a firm grip on things it's SURPRISE, I can't be specific though...but yea anything can happen. (Except the world ending o_O)

My Birthday is coming up! Buy my alcohol!

ps - internet explorer is ghey, if you know how to get my profile to appear back at the top like it should let me know...ARGH!

This just in...

WE'RE NOT DEAD!

God I thought we were really done for when I heard the Red Sox won the World Series, I mean next to the Eagels winning a superbowl nothing would convince me of the upcoming apocolypse such as these. But yet here we are, the eclipse has come and past tonight the sky will show two pentagrams that I guess the devil can admire from hell...because it seems to me that today all is right with the world.

Things that we're theorized to happen:
1) Pope dies, then the new pope is chosen (supposed to be the anti-christ)
2) According to the Mayans, our era of the Jaguar (a really expensive car) ends. What does this mean? Gravity reverses due to variations in the sun. I was planning on a doing a superman type maneuver.
3) The Rapture, Jesus comes down from the heavens and brings all his devout follwers, and only the devout (those nutsos on tv, you know them) back to Heaven with him so that they may escape the end of the world. Which would stretch out 7 years after the rapture, this would include the rise of the anti-christ, a giant world war, and everyone dying.
4) God comes down has some tea, explains to us why we suck, and then pops the world like a big balloon with an even bigger needle. (MY THEORIES COUNT TOO!!!)

But ALas, so far none of this shtuff has happened yet. I guess when a day is prohpecied as the end of the world they need to give us a time, cuz I crawled under my bed around midnight, just incase. But it's 10:40am on the day to end all days, and we're all just chillin here. But I'm done rambaling I have to go to class. Just wear a helmet today can carry a Bible, the Torah, Kohran, or any holy book because when this shit goes down you don't want to be caught with the wrong book let me tell you, when the test is open book take advantage.

The world will end next thursday...

This was posted on some Forums I visit:


1. Prophecy

When: October 28th.

What: Consider these 2 Biblical prophecies that talk about the same time period. (the end times)


Revelation 6:12

6:12 Then47 I looked when the Lamb opened the sixth seal, and a huge48 earthquake took place; the SUN became as BLACK (ECCLIPSE) as sackcloth made of hair,49 and the full moon became blood RED;50 6:13 and the stars in the sky51 fell to the earth like a fig tree dropping52 its unripe figs53 when shaken by a fierce54 wind. 6:14 The sky55 was split apart56 like a scroll being rolled up,57 and every mountain and island was moved from its place.

Acts 2:7

2:17 'And in the last days8 it will be,' God says,'that I will pour out my Spirit on all people,9and your sons and your daughters will prophesy,and your young men will see visions,and your old men will dream dreams.2:18 Even on my servants,10 both men and women,I will pour out my Spirit in those days, and they will prophesy.112:19 And I will perform wonders in the SKY12 aboveand miraculous signs13 on the earth below,BLOOD and FIRE and clouds of SMOKE.2:20 The sun will be changed to DARKNESS (ECCLIPSE) and the moon to BLOOD before the great and glorious14 day of the Lord comes.2:21 And then15 everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.'16

Evidence of the above prophesy:

For this prophesy to come true you need the following to happen in a short time period:

1.A Lunar Ecclipse
2.A Blood Moon (which only some ecclipses give off)
3.Signs in the heavens (space) (for example a comet of a lineup of planets)
4.Fire and Smoke
And an earthquake.

A LUNAR ECLIPSE:
On the 28th of october there IS a lunar ecclipse, source:
NASA source: http://science.nasa.gov/headlines/y...ipse.htm?friend
1. http://sunearth.gsfc.nasa.gov/eclip...E2004Oct28.html
2. http://www.eaas.co.uk/news/20041028_lunareclipse.html
3. http://www.ukweatherworld.co.uk/for...d=15554&posts=9

A BLOOD MOON:
On the 28th (THE EXACT SAME TIME) there is also a blood moon, source:
1. http://www.ukweatherworld.co.uk/for...d=15554&posts=9
2. http://sunearth.gsfc.nasa.gov/eclip...E2004Oct28.html
3. http://www.universetoday.com/am/pub...ober_27_28.html
Also note how close we are to haloween (those of you who know where it originated from)

SIGNS IN THE HEAVENS (space)

On the 28th of October at EXACTLY the same time there is a planetary line up called a Grand Quintile. The last one occured thousands of years ago so its very rare. The planets will form two pentagrams (sign of the devil) in the 'heavens' exactly the same time as the Red moon / Ecclipse. This can only beenfrom NEW YORK and Tibet, Sources:

1. http://www.goroadachi.com/forum/vie...0792a8dae077296
2. http://www.harmonicconcordance.com/...--Quintiles.htm
3. http://www.noeltyl.com/cgibin/index.cgi?read=57868

FIRE AND SMOKE AND EARTHQUAKE.
when there is a volanic erruption there is an earthquake so these are one in the same, im sure you have seen the news on MNT SAINT Helens. The fin on the volance has split so the erruption will be more violent and scientist cant get close enough to accurately measure the activity of it, Sources:

1. http://edition.cnn.com/2004/TECH/sc...s.ap/index.html
2. http://www.fs.fed.us/gpnf/mshnvm/ (with WEBCAM)
3. http://www.pnsn.org/HELENS/welcome.html

Con.
For those that dont believe in God you should still see something is going on, especially the time before the elections where something big is likely (inevitable?) to happen
(FBI ARTICLE SAYS SO: http://www.prisonplanet.com/Pages/O...171004_FBI.html)

For the people that do believe in God, if this doesnt satisfy you then ask yourself what you are expecting to happen, the anti christian government (illuminati) isnt going to announce prophetic events on tv.


2.)
They reveal that the Mayan calendar prophesies the end of our own "Age of the Jaguar", the fifth and final "sun" in 2012 AD. This, according to Cotterell's sun-spot theories, will be brought about by a sudden reversal in the earth's magnetic field.The Maya, like the Aztecs, believed there had been four ages prior to our own. Gilbert was able to relate the first of these to Atlantis and investigated certain prophecies relating to this fabled civilization. It seems that the serpent religion, which the early Spanish conquistadors attempted to eradicate, may well owe its origins to survivors of this lost race, some of whom went to Egypt and some to Central America. The original Quetzalcoatl, whose name means 'plumed serpent' and who was identified with the planet Venus, probably lived at the start of the fourth age, around 3114 BC and initiated a highly ethical religion of penance. This later degenerated into human sacrifice: physical hearts instead of emotions being offered to the sun. Other prophets of the same name lived later and Cortes was mistaken for his reincarnation. The Mayan calendar points to 22 December 2012 as being the end of our present age. Changes around that time to the sun's magnetic field could have consequences for us all. Perhaps we are already witnessing the beginnings of this change with the desertification of more and more land. This seems to have happened in a more localised way at the time of another sun spot minima, leading to the collapse of the Mayan civilization. Their ruined, jungle cities are a warning to us all.

____________________________________________________________________

Personally I don't now if I believe in all this. I still remember a day in high school where it was a huge rumor that the end of the world was the next day. I remember sitting there the whole day waiting for something to happen and nothing did obviously, and I felt very silly because of it. The only thing about this rumor that makes me nervous is the idea of gravity reversing on the end of the world. Last year I had a dream about the world ending and thats exactly what happened. It made no logical sense to me at the time for the world to end like that, and it just creeps me out more then ever that there is actually a propecy of that happening. Either way I hope I laugh off next thursday when nothing happens. Or if the world shall end.

see you all on the other side.

so many dreams...

Do I feel unappreciated? Sometimes, but this is a give and take world; and alot of times we have to remind ourselves of how much we take along with what we give. Although I feel like I"m not given the chance to give all that I offer. So many have deemed me unworthy, not sufficient, yet they struggle in unhappy relationships. Perhaps it's my arrogance that makes me think that I would be more appreciative of their love. Or the fact that I feel like I am drowning in a sea of lonliness sometimes and would do anything to keep my head above water. God that last line was really emo...*vomits*.
Love is blind they say. How untrue can that be, our ideas on what love is has been crafted and molded by our mass media. Even before such things existed soceity played a huge part in what we found attractive. I doubt there was ever a time in our history when two people feel love in love for the content of their character rather than their tight abs. Or maybe I'm just so shallow I can't understand others who arn't. Me, shallow, I know life is not without it's Irony. But one must be honest to himself. I've been called a romantic by some past girls I've known. And I guess it's true. when I say I want to meet someone I don't mean date someone I mean fall in love. I feel like any relationship where I don't see myself with the person forever is a waste of time. Maybe thats too much preasure on a relationship but I think if it's gonna be there then it should be there rightaway.
I decided recently that I"m glad that I'm not sexy or attractive. I mean it sucks cuz obviously attractive people have a much more vibrant sex life and entertaining time. And they also don't have to feel awkward or inadaquit around women. But when your good looking people are only interested in you for one reason, they could careless about who you are as a person. I watch "beautiful" people fall in and out of relationships like their disposable. It's really pathetic, and I realize that now.
I'm trying to be much more selective now, yea me mr.lonely heart, being selective. I figure that I'm gonna make relationships count. If I just need ass then random hookups are fine, but I don't need to string some girl along for that. I'm constantly questioning everything I do, I wonder if I should just stop and go with the flow. Does everything happen for a reason?

the patient

I get home and have no one to talk to. What happened to all my friends? We used to be crazy college kids up til 4 am talking on AIM. So alone, so empty this life. I'm not writing this to contradict my previous post. I believe in everything I said in it 100%, but you take the good with the bad an try to focus on the good when you're stuck in the fuckin bad. I can't take it this negative energy that surrounds me. I'd blame her but my life such a mess, I can't even play it like I"m happier without that, I"m in a shit hole; and she probably knows. It's like I have someone constantly knowing what a loser I am, as if I fool everyone else. I can't be myself around that, this is how pathetic I am. I was thinking about how it's getting to the point where one of us has to go. Not entirely sure what that means.
I need the next step, the next failure, the next something to get my mind past this stupidity. I need to break something, I need to hurt someone, I need to transfer this to someone else. If only my life didn't revolve around getting revenge on those that wronged me, or finding closure, if only I was as cold harded as these fems think I am. If I was only half as hard as I was when I was drunk, if I was only half as insensitive as they think I am; I'd be fine. But I'm not, it's a show, cuz if you saw how the real me felt right now. You wouldn't pity me, you'd just take advantage of how weak I am. I keep waiting for people to figure this out. I am not strong, I told you I was on the edge, and you happily pushed me over.

A groan of tedium escapes me,
Startling the fearful.
Is this a test? It has to be,
Otherwise I can't go on.
Draining patience, drain vitality.
This paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old.

But I'm still right here
Giving blood, keeping faith
And I'm still right here.

Wait it out,
Gonna wait it out,
Be patient (wait it out).

If there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
Gonna wait it out.

If there were no desire to heal
The damaged and broken met along
This tedious path I've chosen here
I certainly would've walked away by now.

And I still may ... (sigh) ... I still may.

Be patient.
I must keep reminding myself of this.

And if there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
And I still may.

Gonna wait it out.

I'm having a hard time seeing the beauty tonight...

The world has so much beauty.

The other day...thursday to be exact. I was bored and recooping from the previous nights escapades(HA!), and was kicking it on the couch with greasey food and an amazing movie called "American Beauty". What I love about this movie is that if you allow yourself to be totally engrossed in it (some people lack this ability) you really get a warm and fuzzy feeling from it. It's funny that despite the shit storm that his life is at present date, he finds a way to get past it all and realize whats really important in life, his own happiness. You should be at first and foremost concerned with your own wellbeing, sure do what you can for others but a life of sacrifice is a wasted life. Sacrifice some, because helping others you will gain gratification, but the character that Kevin Spacey played, had basically put his whole life on hold for his wife, and grew to resent her and his daughter. But I'm getting off the point.
There's alot of bullshit in life: Work, School, Significant Other, Society. Kevin Spacey's character found peace and happiness when he realized it all didn't matter. All this bullshit was created by man, fuck him I"m not listening to him anymore. If there is a god and his placing me upon this earth was for benevolent reasons then I must assume that the pain and agony experienced in my life is not his doing, but a creation of man. Be it you want to launch into a huge debate about god testing you blah blah blah, I'm not in the mood. The end goal of life is for us to learn the meaning of life...nah I don't think so, but how about to appreciate life for the gift that it is.
At the end of the movie Kevin Spacey's character is looking at a picture of him and his wife and daughter years earlier they are all happy and he is considering the beauty of life, when he gets a bullet to the head. During his death sequence he talks about the best experiences of his life, honestly I was moved to tears when I first saw this movie, and to this day when I see this scene I don't think truer words have been spoken of life.
So now, when I"m feeling down about my current state of affairs I try to think of all the happy moments that are flashing before my eyes, you should try it too. Think of all the amazing experiences you'll look back on, and long for. All the people you may not have in your life again, the idealic images you had of them be them true or not doesn't matter. Honestly I think about losing what I have in my life now and I want to give you all hugs, because when I think about all I don't have it's amazing when I force myself to think all that I do. Now don't let this rush of emotion tople you over, look back even further. If you need pictures go and find them. Year books, photo albums, old christmas tree decorations, an old paper you wrote in 5th grade. Do the memories come rushing back to you? Close your eyes, your there again; playing football with a friend that moved away in the 7th grade. Flirting with that girl that gave you goosebumps during recess. Getting yelled at by that teacher you hated, only to go home and have mom fixing dinner and putting the world back into perspective. When I look back I can't help but be overwhelmed with the amount of happiness I've had and experienced not just from people, but from the peaceful momments that existed in a single frame of time.
I look back at these images, there still in my mind. I don't cloud them with present information. Like how that person decided they hated you, or how she got knocked up and dropped out of high school. Just freeze the moment in your head and marvel at how amazing life is.
When I"m at my most depressed, I cast an unsettled look at my college life. Did I do poorly in classes when I should have worked harder? Yes. Did I not set out and accomplish all the goals I set before myself? Yes. Have a spent a great deal of my college career single and lonely? Yes. But along the way I have had some of the most beautiful and cherished experiences I will have for the rest of my life.

It was my first drink
It was making friends who seemed like they would be in my life forever.
It was a playful snow fight and then snuggling inside all warm.
It was thinking that she had finally come around and that things would be alright from there on.
It was taking the helm and succeeding in a class.
It was standing up for my ideas.
It was hitting rock bottom, and those that picked me up.
It was seeing that I was loved, and appreciated.
It was being on my own for once, and making it.
It was finally realizing I don't have to be in pain all the time.

Honestly I could keep going but you've probably already had enough of this post. Your stuck in reality, where happiness is determined by how much money is in your pocket, how high your gpa is, and how many people want to sleep with you.

Not me...

All this anger...

All this anger thats built up inside slips out little by little when we have these fights. Last night was particularly theraputic cuz she actually fought back, and appologized. Two things that I thought would never happen 1) so she could always look like the victim, 2) because she has convinced herself that she is the victim. I'm sick and tired of it all. This all could have been easily taken care of so long ago, but she didnt want it that way, she wanted it this way so here we are. I"m sick and tired of everyone acting like I"m going out of my way to start trouble. No one really see's it from my perspective; they write it off as "you should be over it by now, or you guys hardly talk how can you be mad." I don't understand my emotions half the time you ask me something about them and I say I don't know. But deep inside I still have pent up aggression that I'm not dealing with. But whatver.

I'm done.

It's over with.

Stay away from me, period.

Or this will happen again and again.

Because I"m fucked in the head.

Thanks to you.