Passive.

Dead as dead can be
The doctor tells me
But I just can't believe him
Ever the optimistic one
I'm sure of your ability
To become my perfect enemy

Wake up, and face me
Don't play dead, cause maybe
Someday I'll walk away and say
You dissapoint me
Maybe you're better off this way

Leaning over you here
Cold and catatonic
I catch a brief reflection
Of what you could and might have been
It's your right and your ability
To become my perfect enemy

Wake up
And face me
Don't play dead
Cause maybe
Someday
I'll walk away and say
You dissapoint me

Maybe you're better off this way
You're better off this
Maybe you're better off

Wake up
And face me
Don't play dead
Cause maybe
Someday
I'll walk away and say
You fucking dissapoint me
Maybe you're better off this way

Go ahead and play dead
I know that you can hear this
Go ahead and play dead
Why can't you turn and face me
You fucking dissapoint me!

Passive agressive bullshit

A Story That I Should Have Told A Long Time Ago: I Saw Walrus Rape.

It's True; it happened. I was there and little children were there. It just might have been the most hilarious thing I ever saw in my entire life, but lets start at the beginning...
Well it was the end of this past summer and my friends had kicked around ideas for things that we could go do that would probably generate good stories. Normally the best involve getting lost in NY so we thought what might be done there. Then my friend Sam and my friend Dan said they had been thinking about visiting the NY Aquarium, I said it sounded cool so we set a date and we all went. Yes, 3 college kids planned a trip to the aquarium; were still children at heart so back the fuck up.
The trip there was just as fucking crazy as what we saw there, such as taking the subway half an hour the wrong way (there's a jamaica in NY?) when we finally got on the train going the right way, making friends with several people on the subway (shivers), it was only a short 2 hour trip *groans*. We finally arrived and with goofy grins on our faces and a look of disbelief of the ticket seller we strolled into the amazing NY Aquarium.
At first I was annoyed by the amount of loud small children that were there, but they would add to the hilarity later so it's ok. We saw everything, anything that bored us we blew right through we didnt' have to wait for dad to take pictures at every exhibit this was the way family attractions were meant to be expierenced, skipping ahead of people who got in your way and using your height to your advantage yelling out loud obnoxious comments about fish and comparing the smells in certain rooms to female genitalia included. But I have to say that the highlight of our trip and perhaps the highlight of my life occured when we visited the underwater viewing area of the Walrus tank.
What immediately grabbed our attention was the giant walrus statue that you could take your picture on which we did...if I can find that picture it will end up on this blog post I promise. But I gazed over to see a family standing at the glass as 2 walruses kept swimming towards the glass and then turning at the last second much to the joy and loud screeching of the families children. We also found this cool so we wandered up and started watching.
The daring swimming lasted for several minutes when not too long a third, rather large walrus strolled up. Quickly one of the smaller of the two walruses made a run for it, something was up. The third large walrus swam right up to the glass and banged his head against the glass. The mother of the family playfully banged back, and the walrus answered louder each time. Then he swam away. The smaller walrus remained floating near the glass seemingly staring at us all. Then all of a sudden the large walrus was back and he head butted the smaller walrus and started pinning her against the glass. I watched on telling myself there is now way what I think is happening is happening, but oh it was. The family seemed a little concerned for the children but stil they watched on, another had walked up during this and they too were mesmerized by the walrus rapist at work. The mother started playfullying yelling "stay away from her," but I saw the look in the walrus's eyes he was getting some tail no matter what. Then by far the funniest thing happened. The walrus awkwardly positioned himself behind his victim and exposed a phallus that was easily as long as my arm as this awkward moment everyone was trying to find the words my friends and I started to chuckle this broke out into painful fits of laughter when one of the daughters in the first family screamed in horror (I'm laughing right now as I type this). The walrus banged her in the head several more times as he tried to violate her right in front of us. But I guess it wasn't easy to hold her still since he had no hands just flippers(not good for walrus rape). The walrus went for the goal and might have scored but both walrus's swam off, perhaps she was going to call the rape hotline I dunno but I swear I don't think much will ever top the moment when that walrus went for the kill and that little girl screamed in horror. I immediately knew there was a god, and he defintely had our sense of humor.


If it wasn't for walrus rape, I'd never get laid!

Need to trash years of trust in a single conversation? Well this is how...

I had a very unfortunate experience this evening. Someone who I had thought up to now had never lied to me, never lead me astray and always told me things point blank and honest when others would lie to comfort me lied to me, and why you ask? for a stupid joke. I used to respect her for such such honesty: being able to give it to me straight when others faultered. Now I don't know what to think. But let me start over and give you her "prank".
In the middle of me being generally nutty and retarded in attempts to get her to laugh she just blurts out "I'm gay." Now this girl has tried a million times in a half to pull my leg so I immediately thought it was bullshit. So I respond by calling her a silly rug muncher. "Seriously tim I"m coming out of the closet." No way my mind said if I give into this even for a second it will defintly end with HA! YOU SUCKER I CAN"T BELIEVE YOU FELL FOR THAT! So I play my usual disbelieving asshole and demand that she swear it's true dragging this out really long. She starts to act impatient and comments that I might not be taking it too well. So then that voice in the back of my mind ticks in (the one that girls have abused in the past) and suggests that perhaps this is for real, and if I keep dragging this out she'll just think I'm a dick and won't confide in me anymore. I mean she started talking about telling her friends and how this was bringing alot of stress on to her and her ex-bf...I thought damn I guess it's true. So I bought it she dragged it on long enough that I accepted it and coped with the fact that a girl with a staunch hetero record discovered in her early twenties she was gay. OK fine. So I crack a few porno jokes before she delves deeper into the whole issues related to this revelation I serious up and join in this conversation. It drags on for what was probably a half hour. She even urges me to talk with her ex who I find out later was in on the gag. He makes some comment about him being confused about the whole thing. Then while I was off reading a Tucker Max story, my little aim conversation tab started blinking this was waiting for me....

fairiegirl44 (12:45:34 AM): i knwo
fairiegirl44 (12:45:36 AM): and thanks
fairiegirl44 (12:46:27 AM): thanks for being so understanding
fairiegirl44 (12:46:34 AM): opps did i say understanding?
fairiegirl44 (12:46:39 AM): i meangullible
fairiegirl44 (12:46:42 AM): :-D
fairiegirl44 (12:46:44 AM): SUCKER
fairiegirl44 (12:46:53 AM): HA HA HA HA
fairiegirl44 (12:46:57 AM): HA HA HA HA HA
fairiegirl44 (12:47:07 AM): eeeew you thought i was a dike
KAGE1182 (12:47:56 AM): this was a joke?
fairiegirl44 (12:48:01 AM): :-D
KAGE1182 (12:48:07 AM): I fucking hate you
fairiegirl44 (12:48:32 AM): i rule
fairiegirl44 (12:48:44 AM): all battles are hereby declared victories for me!
KAGE1182 (12:48:44 AM): rot in hell
KAGE1182 (12:49:05 AM): seriously never talk to me again

My response although harsh I find completly justified. Is it just me or is there nothing funny about this joke at all? I mean if I'm just being some tight-wad-stick-in-the-mud who can't take a joke then click the comment button and tell me. But this kind of joke is not funny. If I had been a big enough shmuck to just blindly accept her saying she's gay and being like whoa and going out on a huge rant about how I'm glad she trusted me and this is a huge step for her in her life and blah blah blah lets hold hands bullshit then find MOCK ME! I'd laugh to if I fell for something like that so easily. But the fact that I dragged it out and made her give me some sense of serious attitude before pushing the asshole limit is just dick. Hey I could convince you my grandmather died, fuck I could even fake tears still doesn't make it funny if you fucking bought it just means I lied blantantly to your face and you believed your friend, which I guess you should be mocked for.

If god is as big a fan as irony as I know him to be he will smite her grandmother and then I will laugh at her and tell her to fuck off when she cries to me about it.

If your comment got deleted it's because you didn't leave your name. If your not a member and comment anonymously thats fine, but have some balls and tell me who your are, especially if you plan to argue. Abide by this or I delete your comment, simple as that.

Plea.

So what is all this? What have I become? I convinced myself how unneccesary you were, and now I can't stop thinking about you. And now your convincing yourself you don't need me. Guess I can't blame you. I deserve all that I get which makes complaining out of the question. You could probably walk right up to me and kick me square in the nuts and it would be justified. But I can't stop thinking.
How you feel? Are you happy? Are you sad? Do you miss me as much as I miss you? Do you hate me? I have no way to answer these. Cuz you have cut me loose. Atleast I think you have. There was a time we couldn't imagine life apart. You mentioned moving away once and I was terrified. "life with out *namecensored* would be terrible." I meant it, and am now learning how right I was. But you found your one you say, and there's no room for me. I still don't know if I gave you an ultimatum, like you say I did. But I wish i had never given you that gift. Because thats what sent me on the topsy turvy spiral down even further. Just when I start to think I'm getting out.

I only wrote this in hopes you'd read it and feel compelled to put my mind at ease. If you don't want to talk, and plan to never again. Please atleast say goodbye.

exactly.

Don't save stuff...

If you want something new
why dont you try
honesty
You don't want to admit
that your life is shit
Take it out on others
so you dont have to bother
to look at yourself
in that broken mirror
Its real easy to judge
everyone else
but the truth has always been
the hardest pill to swallow
so you continue to wallow
in your world of hate
talking about your "fate"
pointing fingers at him
and her and everyone but you
your so blind you cant even see
what you do
to the people all around you
bitching about this
whining about that
shut the fuck up
you spoiled little brat
am I supposed to care?
we know you think its unfair
but maybe
just maybe
you are getting your just desserts
a reminder of all those you hurt
- Ash

At the time she said she didn't know where it came from. Seems to make more sense now.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished.

Things have been terrible lately, what else is new? Christmas was ok I suppose, fun times had by all. But the party that I look forward to all year, the party where my friends get togeather, get trashed, and then do retarded shit I missed out on, because I got sick. I was toying with the idea of having it be the beginning to some change in me. I was gonna do a post in here about the cheesieness of it all, but I still was gonna go though with it. I was gonna stop drinking, permanently. But now I'm so depressed I missed it I just want to keep drinking...it just seems stupid now anyways. One of those points where I got close to this idealistic solution that in the end wouldn't help much anyways, probably just make things worse.
Still I feel cheated, and worse I think my friends feel cheated too. We always have such a great memories and stories that generate from New Years Eve parties. It totally fucking blows. Even worse now I've just gone from having people to hang out with everynight to right back to school, except it's a ghost town.
My few friends that are around are either stuck in their routines that don't involve me or are obsessed with their significant others. Having a gf isn't everything they say, until they get one in which you will never see them again. But if I complain to them then I"m the bitchy single friend, and when they invite me out to movies it's out of pity. A lose-lose situation.
As always i'm in a constant struggle between my good and evil sides, and an update in the war, it's getting really fucking confusing. let me explain.
I had an amazing idea for someone for a Christmas gift. Not expensive, Not outlandish, Thoughful, Heartfelt, an idea that I get maybe once every 5 years. To say the least I was very excited, because this particular person and me hadn't been talking as much as we once had. And I had hoped this would have brought us closer togeather: me doing something really nice for her. But it didn't, instead it upset her. She said it could have been the greatest gift she had ever gotten, if I had given it to her a year earlier. I said I didn't understand, and she said it made her feel guilty, as if she were betraying her boyfriend by likeing my gift.
So not only does she not like my gift, but she wishes it never existed. I bet she's thinking deep down she wishes I never existed, these feelings must be stemming from somewhere right?
So what lesson do I learn here? Don't go out of your way? Don't do nice things? Your wrong no matter how much you think your right? You can't win?
So even worse out of all of this now she's not talking to me at all. Fine.

Tim Loses
World Wins