the patient

I get home and have no one to talk to. What happened to all my friends? We used to be crazy college kids up til 4 am talking on AIM. So alone, so empty this life. I'm not writing this to contradict my previous post. I believe in everything I said in it 100%, but you take the good with the bad an try to focus on the good when you're stuck in the fuckin bad. I can't take it this negative energy that surrounds me. I'd blame her but my life such a mess, I can't even play it like I"m happier without that, I"m in a shit hole; and she probably knows. It's like I have someone constantly knowing what a loser I am, as if I fool everyone else. I can't be myself around that, this is how pathetic I am. I was thinking about how it's getting to the point where one of us has to go. Not entirely sure what that means.
I need the next step, the next failure, the next something to get my mind past this stupidity. I need to break something, I need to hurt someone, I need to transfer this to someone else. If only my life didn't revolve around getting revenge on those that wronged me, or finding closure, if only I was as cold harded as these fems think I am. If I was only half as hard as I was when I was drunk, if I was only half as insensitive as they think I am; I'd be fine. But I'm not, it's a show, cuz if you saw how the real me felt right now. You wouldn't pity me, you'd just take advantage of how weak I am. I keep waiting for people to figure this out. I am not strong, I told you I was on the edge, and you happily pushed me over.

A groan of tedium escapes me,
Startling the fearful.
Is this a test? It has to be,
Otherwise I can't go on.
Draining patience, drain vitality.
This paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old.

But I'm still right here
Giving blood, keeping faith
And I'm still right here.

Wait it out,
Gonna wait it out,
Be patient (wait it out).

If there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
Gonna wait it out.

If there were no desire to heal
The damaged and broken met along
This tedious path I've chosen here
I certainly would've walked away by now.

And I still may ... (sigh) ... I still may.

Be patient.
I must keep reminding myself of this.

And if there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
And I still may.

Gonna wait it out.

I'm having a hard time seeing the beauty tonight...