This is the end.

I feel it more and more necessary for me to disconnect from the past and move on. I'm a senior and college Tim's time is nearing an end. Soon I will have to bury him along with all the baggage he carried. What will be strong enough to survive this? I dunno. Amazingly alot survived after I happily buried high school Tim. The people that are still with me now since then will carry on, but anything else? I really don't see alot of it coming with me. College has been an eye opening experience one filled with more pain than pleasure. Having had to learn tough lessons about trust mostly. Having people lie to your face, time and time again has a way of disheartening one. And then to finally force yourself to abolish your own lies, and set the record straight with people.
Have I grown as much as other's I know? Hardly. It's saddening to realize your own limitations, feeling like your missing out on so much but lack the ability to seek out fullfillment. I see it working for everyone but me, but oh well. College time is nearing completion can't lament over whats lost, because it's lost nothing I can do about it.
Others see doors opening, I see them closing, I see uncertainty, pain, loss, for me in the future. You carry with you the promise of hope because you've tasted the pinnacle of life, I live off your stories and energy.
I hope to one day turn it all around, see life how you all see it. But as I pass from one stage of life on to the next I realize I'm stuck in the same place I always am. Another set of unforgettable, unattainable moments flashed by in the blink of an eye, never to be had again. Wasted.

So I've changed.

It's hilarious but people really have no idea what they want. They've had these pre-concieved ideas of what they want passed down, fed, and brainwashed to them; but what they truly want and truly need is very different from what they really want. After recent messes in my life where I finally admitted that I was lying to myself and others and that it wasn't healthy...I realized to truly be real with myself and truly feel secure and honest to who I am and how I present who I am to others I decided I have to watch myself and make sure I don't lie, to you or to me. Those around me applauded this and demanded the truth from me. But now that their getting it some of them don't like it.
One friend truly understood it, I told her all lies I had told her; appologized and told her the truth at first she was mad at me. She might have even hated me for it. But in time she came to understand that it was better this way. We're very casual friends now, and I'm ok with that. We used to be best friends, but thats a different story. Once we knew the truth than it was easier for us to realize who we really were, and not who we pretended to be.
Another friend is extremely displeased with the truth. She wants the lies and I can tell she does. But I refuse to do it for her. It's important for her to know the truth, and I told it to her. It wasn't fair that I lied to her, and led her to believe something that wasn't true but I can't be that fake person anymore. I can't suppress my inner voice just to please her. She lovingly calls me and asshole, and then remarks that I'm full of shit.
Maybe I am full of shit, but never have I felt more real and honest to myself before. One day she tells me I've changed, and the next she tells me I"m just the same. One thing she's sure of is that I'm an asshole. I can't pretend that were best friends when I really don't feel that way, I know who my real friends are. They ask nothing of me and would lay down their life if I asked it; I would do the same for them. I doubt we feel the same way.
I would be your friend again, but if you can't stand who I am then we can't. I don't regret anything I've done cuz I can't live my life feeling shitty over really petty shit that has NO negative affects in the long run. You need to think about what really matters in life, not the shit you feel the need to bitch to me about. Lets just be honest with each other. I'm ready when you are.

That was me.

The guy who bought a bottle of everclear and remarked "he was taking it easy tonight" that was me.

The guy who then poured most of that flask into a bottle of wawa straw-kiwi, tasted it and then remarked "tastes like happy." That was me.

The guy who after drinking half that bottle, acted like an excited teenage girl when he found out one of the guys who lived there played WoW, that sad to say was me.

The guy who bet with a friend if he could fuck our other friends Girlfriend/fuck buddy/whatever in the next hour. Only to have him turn it down not because he couldn't or wouldn't just because he "didn't have enough time." That was me.

The guy who when a room with full of people turn on nascar remarked "Why the hell do you wanna watch people make left turns all day, only white trash would call this a sport." That was me.

The guy who saw someone passing out claimed to be pre-med and yelled "if we don't keep him awake we could lose him." That was me.

The guy who, when we couldn't get him to wake up started reciting a eulogy for him, despite not having any idea who he was. That was me.

The guy who asked a pregnant girl if she "had a bun in the oven". And then told her to name it Tim. That was me.

The guy who stumbled over to ASA (cuz thats what he does when he's drunk) Saw that they had stolen Big Mike's Employee of the Month award, became outraged and took revenge by *censored* trophies and *censored* them. That according to my lawyer was not me.

The guy who when walking to wawa was chased down by an ASA in a car doubled back and made a run for it just to make sure no one was following him. That was me.

The guy who went to wawa and when money came out of the atm screamed "I WIN!" That was me.

OH everclear how I love thee.