No Good Deed Goes Unpunished.
Things have been terrible lately, what else is new? Christmas was ok I suppose, fun times had by all. But the party that I look forward to all year, the party where my friends get togeather, get trashed, and then do retarded shit I missed out on, because I got sick. I was toying with the idea of having it be the beginning to some change in me. I was gonna do a post in here about the cheesieness of it all, but I still was gonna go though with it. I was gonna stop drinking, permanently. But now I'm so depressed I missed it I just want to keep drinking...it just seems stupid now anyways. One of those points where I got close to this idealistic solution that in the end wouldn't help much anyways, probably just make things worse.
Still I feel cheated, and worse I think my friends feel cheated too. We always have such a great memories and stories that generate from New Years Eve parties. It totally fucking blows. Even worse now I've just gone from having people to hang out with everynight to right back to school, except it's a ghost town.
My few friends that are around are either stuck in their routines that don't involve me or are obsessed with their significant others. Having a gf isn't everything they say, until they get one in which you will never see them again. But if I complain to them then I"m the bitchy single friend, and when they invite me out to movies it's out of pity. A lose-lose situation.
As always i'm in a constant struggle between my good and evil sides, and an update in the war, it's getting really fucking confusing. let me explain.
I had an amazing idea for someone for a Christmas gift. Not expensive, Not outlandish, Thoughful, Heartfelt, an idea that I get maybe once every 5 years. To say the least I was very excited, because this particular person and me hadn't been talking as much as we once had. And I had hoped this would have brought us closer togeather: me doing something really nice for her. But it didn't, instead it upset her. She said it could have been the greatest gift she had ever gotten, if I had given it to her a year earlier. I said I didn't understand, and she said it made her feel guilty, as if she were betraying her boyfriend by likeing my gift.
So not only does she not like my gift, but she wishes it never existed. I bet she's thinking deep down she wishes I never existed, these feelings must be stemming from somewhere right?
So what lesson do I learn here? Don't go out of your way? Don't do nice things? Your wrong no matter how much you think your right? You can't win?
So even worse out of all of this now she's not talking to me at all. Fine.
Tim Loses
World Wins
Still I feel cheated, and worse I think my friends feel cheated too. We always have such a great memories and stories that generate from New Years Eve parties. It totally fucking blows. Even worse now I've just gone from having people to hang out with everynight to right back to school, except it's a ghost town.
My few friends that are around are either stuck in their routines that don't involve me or are obsessed with their significant others. Having a gf isn't everything they say, until they get one in which you will never see them again. But if I complain to them then I"m the bitchy single friend, and when they invite me out to movies it's out of pity. A lose-lose situation.
As always i'm in a constant struggle between my good and evil sides, and an update in the war, it's getting really fucking confusing. let me explain.
I had an amazing idea for someone for a Christmas gift. Not expensive, Not outlandish, Thoughful, Heartfelt, an idea that I get maybe once every 5 years. To say the least I was very excited, because this particular person and me hadn't been talking as much as we once had. And I had hoped this would have brought us closer togeather: me doing something really nice for her. But it didn't, instead it upset her. She said it could have been the greatest gift she had ever gotten, if I had given it to her a year earlier. I said I didn't understand, and she said it made her feel guilty, as if she were betraying her boyfriend by likeing my gift.
So not only does she not like my gift, but she wishes it never existed. I bet she's thinking deep down she wishes I never existed, these feelings must be stemming from somewhere right?
So what lesson do I learn here? Don't go out of your way? Don't do nice things? Your wrong no matter how much you think your right? You can't win?
So even worse out of all of this now she's not talking to me at all. Fine.
Tim Loses
World Wins
posted by -tim- at 8:50 PM
6 Comments:
hey friend,
im sorry to read that you haven't had the best of times..I hope you are feeling better by now...at least physically.
as for your new years resolution to stop drinking, is never to0 late..there's no such thing..change is inevitable..it just depends on what you want the outcome to be..I guess from my own experience all I can say is that never give up...everything is a possibility when u let yourself truly see things as they are. One knows that to overcome a vice, conviction and determination is needed..but also awareness....always be aware of your feelings and your surroundings..because if you are in a mind set or surrounding that makes you wanna smoke..good, u recognized that, now do something about it. No one is responsible for the person we are and how we react to the world but ourselves.sometimes it feels as though life would be so much easier when we can blame everyone else..our parents, friends, girlfriends, society, people in general..but where does that get us, u know. Life is what it is. We are give each opportunity, good or bad, to change the outcome. Even if we choose the right choice and the outcome still sucks, it doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t have chosen it. Its better to have known we’d done our best than to live with all the “what ifs”. Im sorry that whenever it seems as though u are trying so hard to change and become a better person. Things do not always go as plan..but I guess we must remember that we do good things for others because we care about them and their welfare..so that we are rewarded in the end. If we choose to do things so that later we get something in return, its not truthful or sincerely, we’ve only done it to gratify our egos of wanting to be wanted or needed. We didn’t do it because we knew it might bring a little joy and happiness to another. That isn’t kindness or love. That’s EGO. And one thing to remember is that EGO will never be satisfy with itself. It will always wants more. The Grass will always be greener on the other side for the EGO. Instead of accepting the present for what they truly are, whether we are single or alone, we trick ourselves and try to trick others into loving us. But is that the kind of love we want for ourselves. The one that has to be bought. Even if I do a thousand and one good deed, and I never hear one single thank you, or receive anything in return, I know that its ok. I did it because I thought of them and not of myself. Love is truly a mystery, because its not something to be bought or sold. True love that is. Real love comes from within and is given without a hesitation. BUT the most important thing I know I have learned in the short 21 years I am alive, is that I can never truly love someone else unless I recognized and honor myself. That means, coming to the realization that I need to love myself. How can a pitcher itself garden, tend, and nourish a whole garden if itself is not full with water or in this case love. We can only give what love what love we have within ourselves. When we love ourselves enough then we are able to give it to others. Without hesitation. When we hesitate there is fear. Maybe fear of rejection, but when our gesture in noble, only for the benefit of others, than it is real, and nothing is more beautiful than to live truthfully with ourselves. Life is never all roses in bloom. We all go through the same emotions and experiences, but I think what makes us unique in ourselves, is that we have the freedom to choose the way we deal with it. Knowing that much, gives us so much freedom and realization that our life and happiness is how we choose it to be, not what life hands us. Some people go through life believing that is just they way it is, that there is a reason for their suffering, but they never realize that life is giving them an option. FREEDOM. Life only offer up experiences and how we choose to live them is our own. And when we come to know that we are the one who holds the key, there is nothing we can’t do.
I guess all I wanted to say, is NEVER give up hope....so what if u fell off the wagon, “to err is human” its not a big deal when we realize what went wrong and fix it. All it does is inspire more determination to be ever so aware of ourselves...
I agree with everything you said. That was an amazing reply by the way. I feel like I know what I want, what I would need to do to change. But I don't know how to start, everyone says it's little steps but I get lost and confused and old habits come back. I really think sometimes I'm too weak willed, fuck it, too weak to change. I'm just too lazy, and stupid. I keep thinking one day it will dawn on me something will happen and CLICK like a light bulb it will all make sense, and I"ll know exactly what to do. But thats not likely. Thanks again for posting.
its crazy what you've just described..
because it's been exactly what i've been dealing with...always thinking of the future, maybe one day something extraordinary will happen that will slap me right in the face and i'll be able to initiate the change...but now i realize that instead of waiting for that moment,(which may never come) i can make it this moment..i hope we can help each other...and keep things positive....old habits die hard, but as long as we are aware that what we both are doing aren't in vain, than that is enough to keep persisting til we've reached a point in which we believe there is no more...let's not settle for less than we deserve...and what we deserve is limitless.....good luck!!!!
-meri-
discipline..
make a list...
make it detailed...
stick to it..
as tho your life depends on it..
all we can do is try....
the worst is we fall off the wagon, but that doesn't matter..
what matters is that we remember to get up again...
remember you're worth every piece of happiness this existence can give....
the best..is that we convince not only others(perk)but most importantly OURSELVES...
life is as beautiful as we make...
heaven and hell is a state of mind, and since its our mind, why not get in the front seat and take control...
good
luck
buddy!!!!!!!!!!
so like everyone else said, your not the only one feeling like your out of the loop. I feel that way sometimes too...like god is just soooo laughing at you, ya know?! And I dont think people inviting you out is always pitty. I invite friends out with me and Paul. Am i making it seem like pitty? please let me know if i am cause then I suck (and not in that good sort of way). I dotn wanna make you or anyone feel that way.
If it makes you feel any better, Pancake has a new home! So hes terrorizing some other poor saps life that fell for that cute kitty face! HAHAHA!!
Just because one thing doesnt work dont give up on everything :) this is a hug from me (hug....squeeeeze....ok time to let go) :)
- Kat
I feel bad for the poor saps that are stuck with that furry little satan. I have high hopes this semester to turn things around kathy.
thanks for posting.
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