What do toilet paper and the starship Enterprise have in common?
They both search your anus looking for Klingons.
But seriously Forks.
I write this today because of a disturbing occurence in my life. But I don't want to get ahead of myself. First let me explain that this post is the first in a line of posts coming out. They will concern themselves with the classification of human beings. I feel that after 5 years in working in retail and 4 years of college if I'm not an expert on human behavior then I failed. But I digress, so here is the first classification of humans we will look at because one of them has entered my life.
The Cling-on, not Klingon trekkies Cling-on. You ever known a person who you could never really shake. They might be a friend of a friend or someone you don't even know. But for one reason or another they never leave. You might even hate their guts, they pretend to not notice, or are just to dense to get the point I can't be sure.
My Cling-on is a beastly looking woman with glasses and bad achne. I met her one day while a friend was doing her radio interview project and I was sitting and chilling just trying to be helpful in a Tim kind of way. After her interview she didn't just say "good bye" and exit stage left like the other people, she stayed, and talked...and talked, and talked, and talked and talked. Until I wanted to jump across the table and strangle her. She wouldn't shut up; the dumbest topics kept flying out of her mouth "do you like the food here?" "what do you think about campus?" "Whats your favorite class?" "What do you think about the escalating situation in Iraq?" and etc. My friend looked at me and pleaded silently with your eyes I think the message was "please do something, I'm too nice and you're an asshole. GET RID OF HER PLEASE!!!" So I did the first thing that came to mind I got up and walked away. Someone had to dive on that grenade and it was my time to go.
After talking to my friend later she told me the girl talked her head off for a long fucking time all until she HAD to leave and even then it wasn't easy shaking the cling-on. I wish this was the end of the story for the cling-on but OH NO it isn't. This semester rolls around and guess what...I have a class with my cling-on I saw her and I think I audibly just said "FUCK" cuz people we're looking at me strange when I came to my senses and the professor paused before she continued explaining the syllabus. Now everytime I leave class I have to shake her like a fucking mobster with an FBI tail. She thinks we're friends she knows my name SOME HOW. I don't fucking know hers. It continues, every wednesday is "lose the fucking cling-on day".
I know what your thinking...just be a dick tell her off, yea I do that and then she goes and hangs herself. I can see her suicide note now..."life was worth living til my one true love Tim told me I look like a rotten used douche." I can't live with anyone killing themselves over me ok not ANYONE but thats a different story. But I would feel bad I mean it's not her fault she was born like this...I"m sure it stems from years of abuse...or maybe her parents were big hippies I dunno either way I can't blame her. It's just a shitty situation.
And besides maybe she'll change one day and stop bugging me...I used to know a cling-on and now he's a pretty normal person. I won't name names since he's in our circle of friends now. But one time I went on vacation and this guy left like 10 messages in a span of 3 minutes. It was just like the cable guy. "hey man I was drying my hair and I thought I heard the phone ring...that ever happen to you? Call me we'll talk." "I was taken a wiz and thinking about how I'd like to head out to the bar...you availible give me a call." "pick up pick up pick up pick up...I can hear your teeth grinding." "oh shit...." *psycho flips out* Honestly it was funny but it kind of freaked me out. Either way he's cool now. He only leaves like 3 messages when I'm gone for the day now.
But seriously Forks.
I write this today because of a disturbing occurence in my life. But I don't want to get ahead of myself. First let me explain that this post is the first in a line of posts coming out. They will concern themselves with the classification of human beings. I feel that after 5 years in working in retail and 4 years of college if I'm not an expert on human behavior then I failed. But I digress, so here is the first classification of humans we will look at because one of them has entered my life.
The Cling-on, not Klingon trekkies Cling-on. You ever known a person who you could never really shake. They might be a friend of a friend or someone you don't even know. But for one reason or another they never leave. You might even hate their guts, they pretend to not notice, or are just to dense to get the point I can't be sure.
My Cling-on is a beastly looking woman with glasses and bad achne. I met her one day while a friend was doing her radio interview project and I was sitting and chilling just trying to be helpful in a Tim kind of way. After her interview she didn't just say "good bye" and exit stage left like the other people, she stayed, and talked...and talked, and talked, and talked and talked. Until I wanted to jump across the table and strangle her. She wouldn't shut up; the dumbest topics kept flying out of her mouth "do you like the food here?" "what do you think about campus?" "Whats your favorite class?" "What do you think about the escalating situation in Iraq?" and etc. My friend looked at me and pleaded silently with your eyes I think the message was "please do something, I'm too nice and you're an asshole. GET RID OF HER PLEASE!!!" So I did the first thing that came to mind I got up and walked away. Someone had to dive on that grenade and it was my time to go.
After talking to my friend later she told me the girl talked her head off for a long fucking time all until she HAD to leave and even then it wasn't easy shaking the cling-on. I wish this was the end of the story for the cling-on but OH NO it isn't. This semester rolls around and guess what...I have a class with my cling-on I saw her and I think I audibly just said "FUCK" cuz people we're looking at me strange when I came to my senses and the professor paused before she continued explaining the syllabus. Now everytime I leave class I have to shake her like a fucking mobster with an FBI tail. She thinks we're friends she knows my name SOME HOW. I don't fucking know hers. It continues, every wednesday is "lose the fucking cling-on day".
I know what your thinking...just be a dick tell her off, yea I do that and then she goes and hangs herself. I can see her suicide note now..."life was worth living til my one true love Tim told me I look like a rotten used douche." I can't live with anyone killing themselves over me ok not ANYONE but thats a different story. But I would feel bad I mean it's not her fault she was born like this...I"m sure it stems from years of abuse...or maybe her parents were big hippies I dunno either way I can't blame her. It's just a shitty situation.
And besides maybe she'll change one day and stop bugging me...I used to know a cling-on and now he's a pretty normal person. I won't name names since he's in our circle of friends now. But one time I went on vacation and this guy left like 10 messages in a span of 3 minutes. It was just like the cable guy. "hey man I was drying my hair and I thought I heard the phone ring...that ever happen to you? Call me we'll talk." "I was taken a wiz and thinking about how I'd like to head out to the bar...you availible give me a call." "pick up pick up pick up pick up...I can hear your teeth grinding." "oh shit...." *psycho flips out* Honestly it was funny but it kind of freaked me out. Either way he's cool now. He only leaves like 3 messages when I'm gone for the day now.
posted by -tim- at 11:33 PM
1 Comments:
I am a hardcore Trekkie. It is a difficult secret to keep. I am open about how I like Star Trek, but I don't think people know the depths of it. I don't go to conventions in uniform mostly because I don't want public pictures to be taken of that . . .
Anyway, Starfleet made first contact with the Klingons in the mid-22nd century. It was rocky for nearly 150 years, until a peace was reached at the Khitomer accords in 2293. This peace was further solidified with the bravery of the USS Enterprise NCC-1701-C (Ambassador Class Starship), when intercepted a surprise Romulan attack on Narendra III in 2344. The fourth starship to bear the name Enterprise, the NCC-1701-C was destroyed in the attack.
Anyway, even after the Federation made peace with the Klingons, they were still pretty annoying. They eat live plates of something that moves called "Gak". They sleep on steel plates. They like to fight each other a lot.
The point of all this? Aside from proving how much of a nerd I am at heart? Even if you make peace with your enemies -- they will still be annoying.
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