The Downfall of Timothy James Green

Somtimes I think I have these breakthroughs where I learn something about myself. I stand back and go wow...It's amazing that I've figured that out. Sometimes it turns out to be bullshit, and sometimes it's not. One such thing that has seem to hold true is that I wear my weaknesses on my sleave. I can't help myself but shout out to people what a loser I am all the time, and whats worst is I know I'm doing it, I just can't stop. Example: making big deals over girls who I wasn't even involved with. Whenever those particular girls are around I get angry enough to put my hand through a wall, but instead I normally just get really trashed and then get into a huge fight. I can't just walk the other way, be the bigger man, show some character. I wear my weakness on my sleaves. I do it again, and again, and again. The other night two of them were togeather I was drunk and I did the RIGHT thing in staying away from them drinking back at the ASA house, but no they had to be brought and dangled in front of me. I got to sit back and watch them chit chat, I was told later they were talking about me. There's that feeling again where I just want break something, why does it bother me so much? Why can't I stop despite that I know how pathetic it makes me look? All my enemies in life are girls, what the hell does that say about me? My friends have even remarked "dude you seem to fight with chicks alot." Yup I do. If god is an evil child with a magnifying glass burning me on my ant hill then girls are a teasing zookeeper dangling meat over a hungry lion. They love to just torment you. Any girl who has been a decent human being has instantly been deemed by me or themselves as too good for me. I finally told the second becky that I was through with it I had enough friends go dick tease someone else. I guess I should be proud of myself right? I didn't say anything that night, I could have. I wanted to so bad. ANd now so even more that I know those two shit-eaters were talking about me. Is it more pathetic that they had nothing better to talk about then me? Or is it more pathetic that I'm so pissed off about it? I dunno the answer to that. But I don't feel better about doing nothing cuz I feel like I'm letting them off easy, I'm a funny asshole around my friends and I'm a hardcore Prick to my enemies and they DESERVE no less. Will they talk about me restraining myself, or how maybe I'm not as huge as an asshole that they say I am, no they won't. Why do I care what they think I don't know. Chaulk it up to my stupidity. I don't know how I became like this, i'm normally really introverted. Growing up a fatkid you get picked on alot. My parents always told me to ignore it. So I did. All this anger would just build up in me, I don't remember how I ever released it. The kids that shot up Columbine, I don't condone what they did but I defintely understand why they did it. I had a hitlist growing up of people I would have loved to see die. I used to be proud of myself for yelling at the whore who had done me wrong. The night she started it I don't regret, she brought it on herself.
So this is me a guy living at the rock bottom. I guess I'll try to go back to biting my lip, holding my tongue, hiding the anger. I guess all emotions arn't just. I guess not if your insane, then your actions motivated by mal-emotion, only do harm.