motivation
Tonights topic will be motivation. It's funny I thought I'd have a hard time coming up with stuff to post here but it's been easier than I thought. Lately I've been finding myself doing things and having no idea why. I wonder if my subconcious mind has taken over, if I'm stuck in the passenger seat while someone else drives...kind of a creepy thought. And even though I find myself saying and doing things that maybe are wrong or cause pain I feel no remorse I simply wonder...wtf was that all about. So tonight I'm talking about motivation. And to shoot it off lets see what dictionary.com has to say:
mo·ti·va·tion ( P ) Pronunciation Key (mo-ta-vshn)
n.
The act or process of motivating.
The state of being motivated.
Something that motivates; an inducement or incentive.
What pushed the ball? What made it roll? I did of course...something moved it and it was me. Are we as easily swayed? manipulated? Can someone lean their will on me and have me do as they please? Yes of course they can; how do I know you ask? Because I've been manipulated...I've seen it. I'm not happy or proud to admit that I have been, you feel used for lack of a better word; it's a terrible feeling and trust me both times it happened in my life I tried to distance myself as much as possible from those who had done it. But now I wonder who is pushing...why am I being an asshole as people say? Do I blame others for my current state in life? no I don't think I do...I'm here because I obviously made some shitty decisions, I"m trying to change that but I think i'm able to accept I"m here because of my own fault no one else. Still maybe I do feel some doubt and remorse for my actions...maybe I wrote this tonight as an attempt to appologize or explain myself...but I don't think I can. My problem is that I covet. A word I learned from Silence of the Lambs, great movie. But I see people and it's so easy for me to look at their life and go "Look it's not that bad, just look at it this way. See how good it is? See how much better your life is than mine?" and then I think they feel better. But in a way I envy them...I wish I had bullshit problems I wish I had simple problems like them. But mine is much larger, mine is something thats not easy to get rid of, mine is something that no matter how much I talk about, doesn't seem to go away. I can only think that it's this problem that motivates me to do these things...and I hope people can understand that. Because...if they can't, then there's not much I can do...
ugh...
mo·ti·va·tion ( P ) Pronunciation Key (mo-ta-vshn)
n.
The act or process of motivating.
The state of being motivated.
Something that motivates; an inducement or incentive.
What pushed the ball? What made it roll? I did of course...something moved it and it was me. Are we as easily swayed? manipulated? Can someone lean their will on me and have me do as they please? Yes of course they can; how do I know you ask? Because I've been manipulated...I've seen it. I'm not happy or proud to admit that I have been, you feel used for lack of a better word; it's a terrible feeling and trust me both times it happened in my life I tried to distance myself as much as possible from those who had done it. But now I wonder who is pushing...why am I being an asshole as people say? Do I blame others for my current state in life? no I don't think I do...I'm here because I obviously made some shitty decisions, I"m trying to change that but I think i'm able to accept I"m here because of my own fault no one else. Still maybe I do feel some doubt and remorse for my actions...maybe I wrote this tonight as an attempt to appologize or explain myself...but I don't think I can. My problem is that I covet. A word I learned from Silence of the Lambs, great movie. But I see people and it's so easy for me to look at their life and go "Look it's not that bad, just look at it this way. See how good it is? See how much better your life is than mine?" and then I think they feel better. But in a way I envy them...I wish I had bullshit problems I wish I had simple problems like them. But mine is much larger, mine is something thats not easy to get rid of, mine is something that no matter how much I talk about, doesn't seem to go away. I can only think that it's this problem that motivates me to do these things...and I hope people can understand that. Because...if they can't, then there's not much I can do...
ugh...
posted by -tim- at 1:39 AM
1 Comments:
I am manipulated by my hormones and me sex characteristics. Luckily the mind is more powerful than that so I've developed a talent for beating my emotions into submission. I think James Maynard Keenan feels the same way "This body holding me, feeling eternal, all this pain is an illusion"
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